Blinking my eyes as I slowly awake from the fog of a deep sleep, vague memories of the men I met on my flights last night coming into focus, my lips turn up slightly into a gentle grin. A sliver of sunlight streams through the vertical blinds where I am cozy and comfortable on the pull out bed in the makeshift bedroom that I will call home for the next seven days. I am officially on vacation! The stressful days that always seem to precede a getaway are behind me and I am surrounded by nothing but a stillness that I haven’t experienced in a long while.
A glance at my phone displays a slew of Facebook notifications and a few text messages – one from my ex, another from my coworker/friend and the last from the travel buddy I met on the flight making sure I received all of the crazy pics we took in our tipsy state on the aircraft. I quickly respond to each and stretch exaggeratively, preparing to peel myself out of my lovely cocoon to begin my day.
I am on my own today as my hostess had to drag her ass out of bed at 5am to go to work, poor thing, so I brew myself some gourmet coffee in her 4 cup coffee maker (she is obviously not a caffeine addict like myself) and head out into the warm sun for a morning coffee and smoke, thankful that I do not have to hide the smell of cigarettes in my hair and on my clothes while I am on hiatus. Toni’s trailer is simple but nice – it is so “her” and she hasn’t changed a bit since I last saw her seven years ago. I have always admired her work ethic, outgoing personality, humor and positive outlook on life. She will be good for me and as I sip my coffee, I find myself looking forward to hearing her stories over the next week.
I have not worked out in three or four days so I muster up some energy and pull off a few crunches and squats then head out for a run. Managed four miles so not too shabby of a workout and it’s done before 11am so I have the rest of the day to relax. My plan is to unpack and assimilate a bit of organized chaos out of the multitude of belongings I dragged along then pack up the golf cart and head to the pool with a book to soak up some rays. I am feeling as content as the cactus nearby that slowly grows and matures wanting for nothing.
Depression can strike out of the blue and for no particular reason…….that’s why it is so difficult to control. Today I’m exhausted and feeling extremely lonely, depressed and super emotional for no particular reason. I’m upset with myself because I’ve been doing so well. I know it is partially hormonal since that time of the month is approaching but that just doesn’t seem like a legitimate excuse for feeling this way. I was very stressed about the very busy day that was upon me and I made it through thanks to a smile and a good attitude but I am home now and all I feel like doing is shutting myself off to the world. I turned off my cell for the first time that I can remember because it saddens me that I don’t exist to the ones I desperately would like to hear from and those who are reaching out to me, I don’t feel like acknowledging and that causes me to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Popped a Xanax for the first time in a while and my plan for this sad Friday night is to be alone, try to block out my thoughts, maybe cry if tears will come and sleep myself into an oblivion. Sad but true.
She has truly been there for me. Sadly, I haven’t treated her the way she deserves for the past couple of years and now when I look at her and see how much she loves me despite my selfishness, a bit of guilt sweeps over me. I never really considered how my lifestyle change affected her life as well. I considered her a nuisance. Always having to go out, waking me at night, not allowing me the freedom to stay away from my apartment too long, costing me money for food and shots, etc. People would tell me that it’s great that I have a dog to keep me from being lonely and I would just scoff at them inside thinking, “How does a dog keep you from being lonely? She’s not the best conversationalist and she’s a pain in the ass!”
My little sweet ball of fur had to transition from a house full of people giving her affection at all hours and playing with her on a whim along with an acre of land to run through and explore to a small apartment where her master was struggling with her own issues and barely said “hello”. But she is still here by my side without judgment. Taking the small bits of my attention that I could afford and quietly adjusting to her new surroundings without complaint.
She is a precious gift and now that my therapy and medication has me more relaxed, I cherish her furry body curling up beside me at every opportunity. We nap together. She sits beside me as I blog, work or zone out in front of the TV. My grandson adores coming over to see her and she puts up with his overly aggressive need to constantly touch her even when I can see that she is overwhelmed. This is one great dog that I am lucky to have in my life and I am thankful that I can now give back to her the love that she has continued to give to me – unconditionally!
There is a new love in my life. In his presence, I am relaxed, satisfied, cozy and utterly happy. He puts me in a dreamworld where my anxiety and depression melt away into an oblivion. I’ve been spending way to much time with him the past month and end up putting other things aside just to be with him. Pure bliss. His name is Sleep and years of insomnia have prevented me from enjoying the pleasure of his company for far too long. I am aware that Sleep is only a side effect of my med, yet his company is sincerely welcomed in my world. How much is too much to indulge in my love for Sleep? He doesn’t run from me so I will not run from him.
Here’s where I go wrong……or do I?
Taye returned from his “business” trip with “her” and contacted me shortly after his arrival home. We had a nice chat. A few hours later, this is how things went down…..
Me: “What’s up?”
Taye: “When do we set our clocks back?”
Me: “In 3 minutes. Why did you say ugh?”
Taye: “Tossing and turning”
Me: “Me too” (this was not a lie but I seriously could not sleep)
Taye: “Do you feel like sucking some dick?”
Taye: “On my way! Maybe it will help me sleep”
Me: “You used all my condoms so all I can offer is a straight up bj”
He came, he went but did leave 8 condoms on my nightstand. Now it’s my turn to say “ugh” but for some reason I am comfortable with our relationship for the time being…….until the day that I find the “one” that I deserve.