Christmas Chaos – We Will Be OKAY


Planning, decorating, shopping, wrapping, and attending Christmas gatherings……..not a walk in the park for someone suffering from anxiety and depression. Society puts a tremendous amount of pressure on individuals to spend too much money, have the most beautifully decorated home, entertain family and friends and be the epitome of a holiday guru.

Each year I fall into the “trap” and despite my emotional issues, outsiders see a woman who has her shit together, finds the perfect gifts, makes her famous candies for all, looks great at every Christmas party and even throws a kick-ass shindig herself. This year is no different. My ex is having Christmas Eve for myself and our children which means I will not be hosting any parties sooooo I contemplated not decorating my apartment but I was sucked into the spirit of Christmas and opted to decorate even if only for myself. The feeling of having a super-clean house with a tree and tasteful Christmas lights aglow throughout my home during these dark evenings is soothing to me. Now that the stress of getting it completed is in the past, I am glad I went to the trouble……..of course a glass of wine is in order during these nights alone with my tree.

I managed to find great gifts for everyone on my list plus a few more. Spent far more than I should have……my therapist concluded that my indulgent gift giving is driven by a need to feel accepted and she’s probably right but staying within my budget will have to be a goal for next year as I am not ready to appear unsubstantial just yet. Needless to say, I have no idea how much money is left in my bank account – balancing my checkbook has jumped onto the back burner. Yikes! Stress. Anxiety.

This next week holds many challenges for me but I am trying to appreciate even the small accomplishments and each day I wake, I get done what “needs” to be done. I will continue to appear my usual together self this holiday and keep my anxiety issues tucked away when in public. Christmas day will be spent alone for the first time ever. I will be okay. I am slowly learning to love myself and trying to accept that being solo is not so bad. Anxiety and depression are so complex and not everyone understands what people suffering from these illnesses deal with each and every day – multiply that by 10 during the holiday season and some are driven to drink (me), medicate (me sometimes) or just plain shut down. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year – if you are having a difficult time, just know you are not alone. Try to appreciate the little things and know that we will all be okay!

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Does the World Even Care?


First of all, I have to say that I’m not writing this post to whine about my life – I am not on the pity pot, I just find it interesting that it is so damned easy to lie to the world. Does anyone even really see a person or are we all so self-absorbed that we don’t really even give a shit? Maybe some of you can relate.

Day after day I go about my business interacting with many people who see me as an outgoing, friendly, self-sufficient woman when in reality I am a depressed soul medicated to ease my anxiety in order to function. I hold a certain quality that seems to allow others to open up to me so many times, I know the troubles that those around me face and I do sympathize but also wonder why it seems that these acquaintances believe my lie and think I have it so together that I can handle the problems of the rest of the world. I don’t want to be a downer, so I continue to live this way even though it saddens me that not one person looks hard enough into my eyes to see through my facade.

I work, go to the gym, get my personal business attended to, eat out alone and even attended a party solo this week where I was asked out and I seem so perfect to those surrounding me – no one suspects the reality of my life……….taking medication daily to cope with my anxiety and depression, having to down two glasses of wine just to muster up the courage to show up at that party, coming home from work and taking a long nap to escape then barely being able to pull myself off the couch to attempt to get something done before bedtime and just plain being sad. I hate myself for closet smoking. I was actually happy when my daughter told me I didn’t need to watch my grandson this week because it gave me a whole day to do absolutely nothing. I dread the week to come because it is extremely busy and I won’t have the down time that think I love – even though it usually ends up being depression or nap time. I shy away from getting too close to a man for fear of who knows what. I am a mess and the world will never know but I am going to really try to see those around me and offer my friendship to anyone who seems lonely. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, as the saying goes.

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I Feel Like a Cactus


Blinking my eyes as I slowly awake from the fog of a deep sleep, vague memories of the men I met on my flights last night coming into focus, my lips turn up slightly into a gentle grin. A sliver of sunlight streams through the vertical blinds where I am cozy and comfortable on the pull out bed in the makeshift bedroom that I will call home for the next seven days. I am officially on vacation! The stressful days that always seem to precede a getaway are behind me and I am surrounded by nothing but a stillness that I haven’t experienced in a long while.

A glance at my phone displays a slew of Facebook notifications and a few text messages – one from my ex, another from my coworker/friend and the last from the travel buddy I met on the flight making sure I received all of the crazy pics we took in our tipsy state on the aircraft. I quickly respond to each and stretch exaggeratively, preparing to peel myself out of my lovely cocoon to begin my day.

I am on my own today as my hostess had to drag her ass out of bed at 5am to go to work, poor thing, so I brew myself some gourmet coffee in her 4 cup coffee maker (she is obviously not a caffeine addict like myself) and head out into the warm sun for a morning coffee and smoke, thankful that I do not have to hide the smell of cigarettes in my hair and on my clothes while I am on hiatus. Toni’s trailer is simple but nice – it is so “her” and she hasn’t changed a bit since I last saw her seven years ago. I have always admired her work ethic, outgoing personality, humor and positive outlook on life. She will be good for me and as I sip my coffee, I find myself looking forward to hearing her stories over the next week.

I have not worked out in three or four days so I muster up some energy and pull off a few crunches and squats then head out for a run. Managed four miles so not too shabby of a workout and it’s done before 11am so I have the rest of the day to relax. My plan is to unpack and assimilate a bit of organized chaos out of the multitude of belongings I dragged along then pack up the golf cart and head to the pool with a book to soak up some rays. I am feeling as content as the cactus nearby that slowly grows and matures wanting for nothing.

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Sad but True

Depression can strike out of the blue and for no particular reason…….that’s why it is so difficult to control. Today I’m exhausted and feeling extremely lonely, depressed and super emotional for no particular reason. I’m upset with myself because I’ve been doing so well. I know it is partially hormonal since that time of the month is approaching but that just doesn’t seem like a legitimate excuse for feeling this way. I was very stressed about the very busy day that was upon  me and I made it through thanks to a smile and a good attitude but I am home now and all I feel like doing is shutting myself off to the world. I turned off my cell for the first time that I can remember because it saddens me that I don’t exist to the ones I desperately would like to hear from and those who are reaching out to me, I don’t feel like acknowledging and that causes me to get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Popped a Xanax for the first time in a while and my plan for this sad Friday night is to be alone, try to block out my thoughts, maybe cry if tears will come and sleep myself into an oblivion. Sad but true.

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Unconditional Love

She has truly been there for me. Sadly, I haven’t treated her the way she deserves for the past couple of years and now when I look at her and see how much she loves me despite my selfishness, a bit of guilt sweeps over me. I never really considered how my lifestyle change affected her life as well. I considered her a nuisance. Always having to go out, waking me at night, not allowing me the freedom to stay away from my apartment too long, costing me money for food and shots, etc. People would tell me that it’s great that I have a dog to keep me from being lonely and I would just scoff at them inside thinking, “How does a dog keep you from being lonely? She’s not the best conversationalist and she’s a pain in the ass!”

My little sweet ball of fur had to transition from a house full of people giving her affection at all hours and playing with her on a whim along with an acre of land to run through and explore to a small apartment where her master was struggling with her own issues and barely said “hello”. But she is still here by my side without judgment. Taking the small bits of my attention that I could afford and quietly adjusting to her new surroundings without complaint.

She is a precious gift and now that my therapy and medication has me more relaxed, I cherish her furry body curling up beside me at every opportunity. We nap together. She sits beside me as I blog, work or zone out in front of the TV. My grandson adores coming over to see her and she puts up with his overly aggressive need to constantly touch her even when I can see that she is overwhelmed. This is one great dog that I am lucky to have in my life and I am thankful that I can now give back to her the love that she has continued to give to me – unconditionally!

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Pure Bliss


There is a new love in my life. In his presence, I am relaxed, satisfied, cozy and utterly happy. He puts me in a dreamworld where my anxiety and depression melt away into an oblivion. I’ve been spending way to much time with him the past month and end up putting other things aside just to be with him. Pure bliss. His name is Sleep and years of insomnia have prevented me from enjoying the pleasure of his company for far too long. I am aware that Sleep is only a side effect of my med, yet his company is sincerely welcomed in my world. How much is too much to indulge in my love for Sleep? He doesn’t run from me so I will not run from him.

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Tossing and Turning


Here’s where I go wrong……or do I?

Taye returned from his “business” trip with “her” and contacted me shortly after his arrival home. We had a nice chat. A few hours later, this is how things went down…..


Taye: “Ugh”

Me: “What’s up?”

Taye: “When do we set our clocks back?”

Me: “In 3 minutes. Why did you say ugh?”

Taye: “Tossing and turning”

Me: “Me too” (this was not a lie but I seriously could not sleep)

Taye: “Do you feel like sucking some dick?”

Me: “Yes”

Taye: “On my way! Maybe it will help me sleep”

Me: “You used all my condoms so all I can offer is a straight up bj”

He came, he went but did leave 8 condoms on my nightstand. Now it’s my turn to say “ugh” but for some reason I am comfortable with our relationship for the time being…….until the day that I find the “one” that I deserve.

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